My adventures as a first time Porna Star. From Amsterdam to Brighton and back in three crazy and rewarding days.
Strip at the airport.
Here we are, Rozemarije de Ronde, who will be the second camera woman and I, we go through check-up, to be sure that we are not terrorists and I am asked to take off not only my coat, but also my vest and …. my boots.
I am in a good mood, so I happily strip for the guy. I am going to be the star in the next movie by the award-winning erotic film producer, Petra Joy. She shoots explicit erotic films from a female perspective, also known as ‘artcore’ porn or ‘porna’. So this is nothing, I am not ashamed. But he is not satisfied.
He also wants my money, my identity and my communication devices to the outside world. And if I behave I get it all back, with a smile. Of course I get it all back, I am a good girl. I am no threat to society, am I?
Who would suspect that I am going to be having sex in front of the camera in Brighton, shhh, don’t tell! So keep smiling and the whole world smiles with you.
Am I wicked for what I am about to do? Am I a bad person? Do I think of myself that way? As a threat to society? No, luckily not, but still, going to play a part in a porna movie feels a bit like I’m breaking all the rules. And that is fun and exciting.
When Petra asked me to be a star in her next porna movie she told me she had just the right co-star for me. She had just won the first Porna award presented to her by Dusk TV in Amsterdam during a big party where we met up. And she wanted me! “The time was right”, she said “..for older women to celebrate their sexuality in an alternative porn film. Petra is unhappy about the portrayal of older women in mainstream porn where they are usually degraded and not celebrated and adored. And until now older women have been invisible in alternative porn films by female directors. And I could not agree more. Just minutes before I had asked Rozemarije what about shooting older women in sex scenes and here is Petra asking me. Of course I felt honored and without further thinking said yes. I had met Petra for the first time in Berlin in 2009 where she was awarding first-time female erotic filmmakers with her Petra Joy Awards. She handed me the special jury prize for my erotic short film “The Rose” based on one of my special erotic memories. I liked her and her work and I like to be a movie star. Reasons enough already, but not just be a movie star, to play other people’s stories and emotions, using their words.. but to “play myself” and just be “me”. Just the way I am. And I trusted Petra that she would give me that chance. My Ego, got an enormous boost of course. I am an older woman, yes, I have to accept it and be it and be proud of it that I made it till this far and I am still kicking. So let’s celebrate and dive into the ocean again.
I believe that it is sex and the surrender to ecstasy that keeps us turned on to life, to the force, our source. And I am happy to turn other people on too.
Being a role model.
So many times I get to hear that for other women that I am their role model, still being sexy at 56. So I better really do what I enjoy doing. Showing what I have been trying to teach in so many other well accepted ways, like workshops, radio and TV shows and introducing a new profession in Holland, sex-coaching. My playshops are all about “doing” and one of them is called “Sexy4life”. And just recently I was portrait in a leading Dutch newspaper glossy weekend insert “Telegraaf Vrouw” as one of Holland’s sexiest women over 50. I am also added to the site of “Nederland’s Mokkels”, (Dutch Babes). And I am proud of it. But this is a step further.
Seeing 444 everywhere.
Lately I have been seeing the number 444 several times daily. On my clock, day and night time like waking up in the middle of the night and sitting straight up at 4.44. Or the amount on a bill that I have to pay. It got under my skin and I understood that I needed to pay attention. So I typed in google the number 444 and the word meaning and found several sites telling me that specifically that number means that you are on the right path, in the right place at the right time. And “the Angels” were with me”. And I needed to understand that at that moment. I needed to be reminded of who I am and that that I’m ok. So here I am, on an adventure again and doing what I am meant to be doing.
A match made in Heaven
My co-star Jes flew in to Gatwick airport from Berlin about the same time, and here we are meeting for the first time face to face at the airport. Petra had previously arranged a Skype chat between me and Jes, to make sure that we would like and desire each other. Petra only shoots with lovers who have chemistry as her motto is “Feeling it, not faking it!”. The sparkle I felt during our online chat immediately translates in real life – I see a pair of piercing blue eyes with a tingle in them. My eyes go up and down. He is tall and lean. His embrace is warm and his kiss is wet. We click, the three of us. This is a good match, this is going to be magic. We all travelled with a cab that Petra had ordered, to Brighton. Star treatment first class. On the ride we talk a bit, he is into Tantra, gives all kinds of massages from Tantra to Lomi Lomi and is a scuba diver teacher. As I find out later, he has hands and other body parts that make you melt. He is not the average male porn star. He is a lover, as am I. A lover of life, of being alive and of being physical and sharing bodies. A “player” in the right sense of the word. Well done Petra for understanding people that well and trusting her gut instinct to put two complete strangers together to be a match. But hey, don’t all women dream of the perfect stranger? The stranger who is perfect.
Petra had suggested a fun story line we all agreed on. The scene was going to be all about me, my pleasure, my satisfaction and orgasms, as the title this film is going to be “(S)he Comes”. The film will be out in 2014 and then you can see how the sexy story developed and fitted us like a glove.
Full moon in Leo
That night is the first shoot. It was the only day left available for the fantastic location that Petra had discovered for us. It is a popular room and with reason. We better get going. So first a beautiful lunch, a toast with champagne and then get on with it. Interviews for the behind the scenes documentary, going through the mood board, choosing the right clothes, make-up and before I know it we are on THE SET the scene. When we have steamed up the windows and have to open them for some fresh air I see a full moon over the sea. Full moon in Leo, my sign. Indeed the time is right.
I decided to wear jewelry that I inherited from the women in my family. A golden ring with a ruby from my grandmother from my father’s side, the golden wedding ring set with a small pink stone from my grandmother from my mother’s side, my mother’s ring with with a ruby and her golden wedding ring.
It suits the room, but that is not the reason. Somehow I feel my mother and grandmothers are with me and I wish their sex lives had been more satisfying. Maybe that is part of why I do it. To show that you can overcome your upbringing. To show that I freed myself, that I could feel free even feeling them so close. No shame, no guilt, no excuses. I hope they enjoyed the show.
As a fish in the water.
Everything is right, the setting, the crew, the light, the mood. Even my slightly spotty ass cheeks look right with some make-up on. Here we go…. Of course we are on a set, the end product is an illusion, a make believe of what happened. A story to get your dreams wet. That is the “art” part of it. How to get the viewer to suspend belief and get them involved. But the thing is we DID get involved- in each other and that must show. There was magic, an understanding of each others’ body, instinctively knowing how and where to touch. No words needed. I could say that I felt like a fish in the water, but I relate more to dolphins and mermaids. Whoever said that mermaids can’t fuck because they have a fishtail got it all wrong. They have dolphin fins and I felt just like one. Wet and sensuous and jumping for joy, floating through a sea of lust, enjoying my multiple orgasms…
Getting to know each other some more.
The next days we are off, free to do whatever we want. Rozemarije, Jes and I stayed in the beautiful house that Petra had rented for the occasion. As long as we did not walk around naked with the curtains open or had sex in the overlooked glass conservatory , we were free to do anything we wanted. We talked a lot and we decided to take a long stroll on the beach to the Brighton pier. And we talked some more, sharing intimate life stories and debating philosophical questions about life, healing, life changes and purposes. It felt like family. Especially when you have already shared your most intimate act of letting yourself be watched while having sex and experiencing bliss, people are most of the time much more open and willing to share their deepest thoughts and emotions. And we shared. It did not matter who played out the role of voyeur or of the exhibitionist. We were there to share and to inspire each other. To enrich our lives and with the intention that it would enrich other peoples’ lives as well.
A song to sing.
Suddenly I am aware that I am singing again. It has been a while, but the mermaid is back. I had felt kind of stuck lately and not in my flow until I got the message. I should have known because I always felt more like singing after having sex, but lately lots of worries about the state the world is in have overwhelmed me. It is hard to stay in touch with who you truly are in a society that encourages anything that makes you forget. They make you feel guilty or inferior the moment you are born for being human, for being a mammal. Strip away all gadgets we have, including our razors and take an honest look at how far we really have developed from being mammals. I have never understood why are we fighting that part of ourselves till the point that we are willing to kill for it or give up all our human rights to be free. One of the songs that came to me was a song I had written long time ago and is titled “Remember your dream”.
IF YOU CAN DEAM IT…
Oh and did I mention that my co-star makes music as well, soundscapes like me? Sex and music belong together. Ask my life partner Shai who made singing his profession following his life long dream. Ask him his secret….It seems all of us dreamers have come together to help each other to make our dreams come true. Petra always refers back to this famous quote of Walt Disney “If you can dream it, you can do it!” when explaining on why she decided to make female fantasies a reality on film…
Petra is so happy and inspired by our chemistry she suggests another completely spontaneous shoot and Jes and I are more than happy to go for it. So day 3, the last day of our stay a few hours before we are scheduled to leave we shoot with just Petra and Rozemarije in the bathroom – no other crew is present and only minimal equipment: two hand-held cameras. It is a big leap of faith for Petra to delegate the main camera to Rozemarije, as Petra hardly ever trusts anybody else to translate the images in her mind into a film. We are all willing to experience something beyond our borders. Rozemarije has been making films with real couples. Here she is filming two complete strangers who are able to trust themselves and each other to make a connection and experience intimate sex magic.
I came twice standing up and, after the first time, my knees are already shaking. After the second one my legs refuse to support me any longer and I collapse to the bathroom floor. After that it is rush-rush to get to the airport in time. ….We are being treated to another fantastic lunch with champagne, a goodie-bag and lots of presents. It is good that Petra had paid for check in luggage, enough to hold 20 kilo’s. With all the outfits already in it, I was happy to still have some spare room to take it all home with me. To get us to the airport on time and stress-free, a taxi has been called. So kiss, kiss, hug, hug and bye-bye. Talk later.
I was so happy when I finally came home and did not have to walk or use my legs any longer. Happy to be picked up by my partner, lover, spouse or how would you call a man you have an intimate love relationship with for more than 18 years? A warm welcome kiss, a quiet [still] ride home, under a still full moon. Anticipation and savoring the moment that we are with each other again. Knowing we have stories to tell and something to celebrate. At home there is champagne once more. We talk and talk and have sex like animals till deep in the night. Shai is a good lover too. It is good to have variety and now it is good to be home. Shai will be leaving to sing in Istanbul in a few days. He can use all the sex we can have to sing and be the star he is.
I am writing again.
I am turned on, my mind is racing. I have a story to tell. My body feels wonderful and I’m still glowing, because yes “She Comes”. Porna is about sharing – giving as much as receiving. Mainstream porn sadly seems often to be about taking from and using the female performers. As well on set as living and playing together in one house and getting to know each other on so many levels. As Serge mentioned: “I don’t like small talk”. And I agree! Let’s share as much of ourselves with each other as humanly possible. Body, mind and spirit.
Naked on facebook.
I am really proud of what I have done and Petra posted some pictures of the shoot on Facebook. They are beautiful and I reposted them. But then I realized that Facebook can shut down my account without any warning just for repostings these pictures of myself. I reluctantly take them off, very aware that I am complying with rules that are obviously there to control our lives. Pictures of naked people or people somehow involved with mammal behaviour, be it breast-feeding or sexual intimacy are threats to society. I found a way to show them to my Facebook friends anyway, using Facebook(!) So am I a threat to society after all? Who cares? I certainly don’t . I have tried but I can’t be anybody but myself. So be it.
Being a bad girl.
Would I do it again? Yes, without thinking and even more eagerly if possible – as long as I could shoot with a director I can trust 100%, play with a performer where the chemistry is right and in a nutshell – as long as the porn is actually porna – porn from a female perspective, artistic value and authentic sex. I have much more to show. We’ll see what comes back to me. How people will react, I have no idea. But I have learned a very important lesson in life. Whatever you’ll do, some people will like you for it and some won’t. You can’t make anybody else happy besides yourself. It is the same with sex, a man can’t give a woman an orgasm, she gives herself permission to have one, (or more) with him. I had as many as my body could handle. It did not hurt anybody and it definitely did not hurt me! If that is what being a bad girl is all about, then count me in. Just let me keep my Facebook account ,and let me travel to beautiful destinations in nature to shoot some more…..I’ll strip again at the airport, if I have to.